MUSIC

Celebrity

Memories

I Was the Walrus

This one is from my short stint with the Beatles. For most of 1967, I was playing tambourine for them. Basically, they felt that they needed me as a ‘Davey Jones’ type for the group so they could compete with ‘The Monkees’.

Unfortunately, Paul, George and Ringo kicked me out after I introduced John to Yoko… I thought she was delivering some egg rolls and shrimp lo mien. In retrospect, I guess I can't blame them. Paul still gives me the finger every time he sees me.

Nothin' But a Hound Dog

This is a picture of me and the boys one day at Sun Records shortly after we invented rock and roll. Funny story, Elvis wanted to call it 'skip do-la-do' instead of rock and roll. Thankfully, Carl Perkins, and Johnny Cash and I all voted it down.

Me and Marilyn Down by the School Yard

In the early sixties, Marilyn Munroe and I dated briefly and may have even gotten married. I said 'I do," to someone but I thought they were asking if I wanted more fondue... it was REALLY good fondue. All of a sudden some old guy pronounced us man and wife and sent us on our way.

Anyway, in this photo, the paparazzi catches us in an intimate moment when Marilyn is asking me to pull her finger. I said to her, "Marilyn, If you want to fart, go ahead and fart. You are considered to be perhaps the sexiest woman in the world. Even your farts would be considered sexy" I laughed. That's when this creepy guy leans down and said "Yeeess, it would be sexy indeeeed". He then kneels behind her and asks me to pull her finger again. Hollywood is filled with sickos folks. Don't let anyone tell you different.

Instant Karma Chameleon

I was a member of the Culture Club for almost six months before I finally realized that Boy George was in fact an actual boy. Up until that point, I had thought he was a woman trying to be ironic. After learning that he was a man, it put a new light on some of his recent activity... some very disturbing activity. So I very quickly BACKED out of the band.

Sugar and Spice

As the Spice Girls were getting popular, even though the whole 'girl power' thing was getting big, they felt they needed some eye candy for the girls so they hired me and called me 'Meaty Spice'. But after several 'misunderstandings' and pictures like this, I was soon dubbed by the fans with the nick name of 'Creepy Spice'? I just don't photograph well I guess. Looking back, it was probably a bad idea right from the start... but I'm not bitter.

Cheaper by the Bunch

I played the dog on the Brady Bunch and even received an academy award for my performance in the episode where I was molested by a guy in a bicycle repair shop. I did so well, that it actually took over 2 years for the rest of the cast to realize I wasn't a real dog, just wearing a costume. You can't even tell, it's almost flawless. It wasn't a big role, but I made the most of it.

Star What?

This is my appearance on Star Trek, but somebody in production got something terribly wrong. But, it made for an interesting episode. I'll let Gene Roddenberry and George Lucas fight about the details.

Lost and Founders

So here I am with the founding fathers writing the constitution. I thought things were getting a little boring so I stood up and spoke. "Patriots, countrymen, friends," (we used to talk really funny like that), "Good sirs and men of good conscience, hear my words. Once, there was a chicken, that did nobly walk from one side of the road to the other. His beak held high and his neck firm and strong, like the resolve of many of you sitting in this room today. So tell me, ye men of wisdom, why didst the chicken cross the road?"

They all discussed among themselves and Thomas Jefferson even suggested that the chicken represented freedom and liberty and crossed the road because freedom and liberty must be spread across the road, from neighbor to neighbor and eventually the world.

Finally, with a cold stare of steel, no less than General Washington himself turned to me and asked in a stern but gentle voice,” Sir, tell us, the brave and noble men of this assembly, why didst the chicken cross the road?” I looked at this great general, and then to the other men in the room, staring each of them in the face, in the eyes of men who fought along side of me and risked their lives for this burgeoning country and for the liberty and freedom of their fellow men.

I cleared my throat and answered, “Well, my dear general and noble men of this congress, the chicken didst cross the road, to get to the other side.” Then, they all as one stood up and cheered with a loud roar of laughter. And that's how and when I created the 'Why did the chicken cross the road' joke. True story

Led it Be

When Jimmy Page was putting Led Zeppelin together, he was convinced that the accordion was going to be THE next big thing in rock and blues. Well, with hind sight being 20/20, we now know that he was absolutely right, and I became the Jimmy Hendrix of the accordion. It made me the most popular member of the band. I eventually left in '73 after having creative differences with the rest of the band. I don't remember what happened to them after that.

In the Village,

the Peaceful Village

This is from my time with the Village People. So, they had the cop and the cowboy and the Indian etc... it just made sense that when I joined at the age of 14, I should be the paperboy. Among their fans, I was the most popular in the demographic of men ages 35 to 70.

I finally left on my 18th birthday when they told me what they meant in the song 'YMCA' and why they thought it was so fun to stay there. It didn't sound fun to me at all, so I quickly BACKED out of the room and left.

A, B, C... It's Easy as 1, 2, 3

Here I am with what was for about 2 days called the Jackson 6. But even in just those 2 days I spent over $3000.00 on Afro Sheen. Between that and the fact that I never really did pass as one of Joe Jackson's kids, things really weren't working out. Fortunately, I did well enough that Barry Gordy chose me to replace Diana Ross when she left the Supremes. The girls and I don't sing together anymore but we still keep in touch.

What happens in Vegas....

This is me back in my days in Vegas with the boys. Man us cats used to know how to swing baby. Booze and broads and gambling all night... we didn't do any of those things. We would stay up all night playing Dungeons and Dragons. Frank was a 25th level Paladin with a Vorpal sword plus 6 damage!! It's true. Man... we were just the coolest.

Duke, Duke, Duke,

Duke of Earl, Earl.....

Here I am acting along side John Wayne in one of his westerns. That's it. Sorry folks, I got nuthin' more than that but hey... I'm pictured here with the Duke and you're not.

Just Kidding Around

This is back when I was one of the Little rascals. Those weren't good days. Spanky had a violent temper with the prostitutes and Alfalfa was always having run-ins with the mob because of his gambling addiction. That and the fact that the girls were all strung out on crack and the boys were into dog fighting... just a bad vibe man, although not as bad as when I was on 'Different Strokes.

Saturday Night's

Alright for Fighting

I was originally going to be the lead in Saturday Night Fever but got replaced by John Travolta. He totally slept with at least one of the producers... That tramp hasn't changed a bit.

Hamburger Promises

This is from when I worked with Robin Williams on Popeye. I played Wimpy and was supposed to pay him back on Tuesday for a hamburger that day. I never did pay him back and now I'll never get the chance. R.I.P. Robin.

Jack Ruby Tuesday

This is from when I was hired to assassinate Lee Harvey Oswald. Let me just say, he knew too much and had to be taken care of. The only problem was that after I killed him, then I was the one who knew too much and had to be taken care of. So I was on the run from other assassins for several years until I was able to disguise myself as a new born baby in December of 1965. That's when I changed my name to Ron Bergeron and so far so good.

Ronnie Brown

From when I guest starred as Charlie Brown's cousin back in the 70's while Charlie was on 'vacation' in the Peanuts special "It's a Betty Ford Clinic Holiday Charlie Brown'. It didn't become the feel good, fan-favorite holiday special that I had hoped for, but it did give me a chance to have a little fling with Lucy, but that didn't last long either. I had to end it after I found out that the football wasn't the only thing she would offer and then pull away at the last minute while you're already in full swing to kick it. AAAAAARRRRR!!!!

Krypto Night

Back in the 90's when I was.... oh, wait, not me...I mean when Superman was part of the Justice League... We were really riding high on the hog. Everyone was buying our comics... I mean THEIR comics... like there was no tomorrow. And there was low crime and even less aliens and monsters to fight so we... I mean they, the Justice league... had a lot of money and leisure time. Admittedly, some of us had let ourselves go a little. But don’t forget, the camera adds at least 10 pounds. Wait I mean they let themselves go not 'we' or anything that would include me because I'm not a super hero. I'm just a mild mannered musician... Uhg!!! Batman is going to kill me.

Catch a Wave

This is from when I was with George Washington crossing the Delaware. I have been firm believer in the "All work, no play makes Jack a dull boy" philosophy ever since I saw "The Shining". So since I knew it was a long trip, I decided to do some water skiing I mean, I don't want to be a dull boy. I don't think General Washington fully appreciated the movie as much as I did.

To Dylan, or Not to Dylan

Back in 1985, I pretended to be Bob Dylan for 2 whole years while he spent time on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean. It started the night of the 'We Are the World" recording session. That night, I also ended up having to fill in for Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles, Billy Joel and Cyndi Lauper. To be honest, the only real 'stars' there were Huey Lewis, Latoya Jackson and Lionel Richie, although Lionel had to leave early or, he said, his wife would beat the crap out of him. Latoya offered to buy me pizza after the recording session, but that was a big mistake. She would just not stop calling me after that. She was a very desperate and lonely woman.

Spare for the Course

I had a small role in Spartacus which was eventually got cut out for 'artistic purposes". Yeah right!! Hey Kirk Douglas, jealous much?

Selling Out

As a legendary musician and National Treasure, I am often asked to do product endorsements. Here is one I did for 'Red Cola'. It was later found out that it was made from rat concentrate. As bad as that sounds, it wasn't as bad as when I endorsed 'Soylent Green Tea'.

Throwing it All Away

Back in the 70's when I was auditioning for a movie. I almost got the part but it had full frontal nudity so I declined. But they liked me enough to put me in a commercial they were shooting. In hind sight, maybe the full frontal nudity would have been considered less obscene.

Gill Again

In hindsight, I'm not sure that it was a good decision to quit the show. It could have been my big break but I wanted a 'more serious' project. They decided to go in a very different direction with my character which was probably for the best. But everything worked out in the end. The cast became famous and beloved all over the world, and I had gotten a promotion to 3rd shift supervisor at the Generals' Georgia Fried Chicken restaurant. That is, until they were closed down for very obvious copyright infringement of KFC.

Selling Out More

In showbizness, sometimes you gotta do things you don't especially like. Here is a modeling gig I did in the 50's. It was a waste of my good looks but... it paid the bills.

Of course, being in the entertainment biz’, I have had numerous encounters with rich and famous celebrities on my way to the top and on my way back to the bottom. I thought I would share some of my personal photos, memories and bad puns with you... my dear friends.